Penguins Versus The MarySue!
by Eternally Ebony
Summary: JOKE STORY! DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! A new penguin arrives at the zoo. Little does anyone know, she has a plan of EVIL! up her sleeve... except she doesn't have sleeves... you know what I mean! Contains Julian/Marlene


**Disclaimer: PoM does not belong to me.**

**Note: This is a JOKE STORY! I don't have any grievances against OC-inserts OR Skilene. They're both just really popular. In fact, some great stories possess both. **

It was noon. Exactly noon. Not noon and five seconds. Not noon minus five seconds. Exactly noon. The clock struck twelve as Alice wheeled a medium-sized crate into the zoo. All four penguins, minus Rico, whom was stuffing his face in the most delicate way, looked up from lunch to see the overworked woman placed the crate in the center of the penguin habitat, announced over her walkie-talkie that the new penguin had been delivered, walking away from the group. All four penguins stared curiously at the box.

"What do you think it is, Skippah?" Private asked in his adorable coughfakecough British accent. (Private: HEY!)

Said Skipper stared intently at the box. Perhaps he forgot he was a normal penguin and thought he had x-ray vision. Perhaps he believed himself Superman and tried to melt the box with his laser vision. Whatever the case, he soon shook his head, disappointed in his lack of superpowers, before turning to a penguin that was taller than the others, "Kowalski!" He barked like he was in charge. Oh wait... he was. Never mind, "What's in that box?"

"If I had to guess Skipper, I'd say it's my shipment of Plutonium-239. It's highly radioactive and likely to explode if we try to open the box," The smarty-pants penguin responded while jotting something useless down on his clipboard.

The leader blinked, "Okay... so how do we open it?"

"Well, duh!" Kowalski rolled his eyes, "With a crowbar!"

Rico took that as his cue, saluting and doing a triple-flip over the others' heads, landing in front of the box and regurgitated a crowbar. That's right, regurgitated. As in, vomited up. Before he could open the crate, though, it opened itself, sending Rico flying with the side of the crate. The penguins stared back at him, before staring into the crate.

The penguin stepped out, graceful and curvy, despite being a bird and not having the mammal parts necessary to have curves. She stood tall and proud, coming all the way up to Kowalski's beak. And that's saying something! She stared around the habitat, before blinking at the penguins, exposing her emerald eyes, again despite the fact that as all penguins were born with blue eyes. She smiled daintily at the penguin group.

"Why, hello there, boys!" She spoke with a western accent.

Skipper leaned over and whispered to his second-in-command, "That doesn't look like Plutonium... it's not, right?" Kowalski nodded to confirm, "Right, keep an eye on her. I'll-" Skipper didn't even get the chance to plan an maneuvers. Young Private had already run up and was greeting the girl with the strange accent in his own strange accent, welcoming her. Skipper shook his head.

"Hey guys!" Cue the intrusive otter, always picking the oddest moments to walk in on the penguins. She grinned in a friendly way, "Oh, are you new here?" She asked the new penguin, "Wow, um, if I knew there was a new penguin, I would've brought cake and flowers and-"

"Calm down, sugah," The female laughed, "It's okay, I need no gifts. My name is Robin," Everyone stared at the penguin, "What?"

"Robin? Really?" Skipper shook his head, "You're a penguin!"

Robin looked down, suddenly sad, "Well, I was raised by robins. My parents were killed by lemurs when I was a little kid. Ever since, I've hated lemurs with a passion," She perked up unexpectedly, "but who cares about that angsty garbage, anyways?"

"...Right," Skipper shook his head, "Er, Marlene, did you need something?"

The otter snapped out of her own daze at the random mood swings of Robin, "Huh? Oh yeah, I need a fish for my fish flambe. Got any extras?"

"Rico!" The heavyset penguin regurgitated a fish, which Skipper caught in mid-air with his epic ninja-ness. He then handed the fish to Marlene who, despite being slightly grossed out by it, took the fish anyways and left the penguins to get to meet their new roommate. Robin gasped.

"Oh... my... gosh..."

Skipper turned around to face the other penguin, raising his browridge questioningly, "What?"

"You two are... SO CUTE!" Robin squealed highly. A beaker carrying Kowalski's Plutonium shattered, splashing the radioactive substance all over him. In response, he growled in annoyance and went to take an acid bath before he started mutating (It had happened before...) "Seriously, you are PERFECT for each other! Totally in love!" She sighed dreamily.

Skipper stared blankly, "All I did was hand her a fish..."

"Now, now, you don't have to beg. I'll happily set you up," She sighed, "After all, it's every girl's dream to bring together TRUE LOVE!" Her eyes sparkled. Rico took one look at her before rushing off and promptly vomiting into some bushes.

The leader raised his browridge at her, "I find that creepy. However, since you're a penguin, I'm completely disregarding my normal safety procedures to let you have a warm place to sleep. You'd better be grateful."

"Oh, I am!" She smiled sweetly. Sickeningly sweet. Rico came back, saw her, then went back to vomiting. That's how sweetly she smiled, "Thank you ever so much! I promise I won't be a burden," She bowed her head before entering to set up the stuff she brought... then she went back outside and into the crate to actually get the stuff. Everyone else walked away, uncaring.

Robin smirked, pulling out a notebook, "Okay, time to execute my complexicated plan..."

* * *

Midnight. Actually, that's incorrect. It's five seconds to midnight... wait, now it's midnight. Anyways, around this general time Private awoke due to his throat being scratched up. His voice was so unnaturally high pitched that it got that way sometimes. Because it hurt to breath, he went to get a drink of water from the penguin's refrigerator which shouldn't have even fit in the door. Then again, Rico's gut contains some interestingly large stuff... at any rate, the youngest of the quartet turned quintet poured himself a glass of ice cold water and began gulping it down when he noticed a notebook lying closed on the table. Maybe it was childish curiosity, or maybe he just enjoyed getting into trouble, but he decided to open the notebook and stare at it. STARE I SAY! Um... where were we?

Oh, yes, the notebook. He didn't understand the words but that was okay. It was illustrated with pictures! Well, what else would it be illustrated with? Kowalski's Charts? Boring! (Kowalski: HEY!) Private looked through, gasping in horror with each different page, more gruesome and terrifying than the last. Immediately, he turned to tell the Skipper about the evil notebook. Unfortunately, a frying pan decided to jump up and hit his face square on. He fell on his back, when the evil frying pan moved and revealed that it was not evil, the person holding it was. Gasp!

"Sorry, sugah, but I can't have you ruining my plans!" Robin snapped quietly. Private tried to call out for help, he really did, but his throat was still scratchy, as he hadn't finished his water. Oh, and he was losing consciousness. That didn't help, either. Slowly he drifted away, while the evil penguin above him laughed maniacally.

* * *

The next day, five seconds after noon, our bipolar otter, as demonstrated whenever she leaves the zoo (Marlene: HEY!) headed down to visit the ones whom we can't help but to hate and to hate some more. That's right; the lemurs. She greeted them with a big grin and a friendly wave.

"'Ello der, Marlene," Julian's accent, heavy with his Madagascar heritage, flooded the air. And no, not in the tidal waves of destruction kind of way. The kind that implies he has a loud voice, "And just what brings you to my humble abode?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively, though everyone knew he was just goofing around. Or was he? Eh, keep reading and you may find out.

The otter's voice and eyes were tinged with worry, "I haven't seen any of the penguins since yesterday. I know, they're normally pretty secretive, but this time, I KNOW something bad's happened! It probably has something to do with their new roommate. Nothing good comes from these new arrivals!" Marlene looked annoyed as the scene flashbacks to random times when new animals had thrown the zoo into chaos.

"Is dis because you and that other penguin are... involved?" Julian asked, "You know, not that I'm jealous or anything. Just curious," Both other lemurs sighed at the King's obliviousness... again. Of course, whenever he does understand something, the whole universe nearly falls apart... literally... ( Julian: HEY! And add a 'King' in front of dat. 'King' Julian: Thank you)

Luckily, Marlene was too stricken with panic to notice the King's words. She ran over and shook Julian's shoulders, "Please, you've GOT to help me save them! The last time a new guy got control of the HQ..." Marlene shuttered in remembrance.

King Julian, meanwhile, was dazed by his closeness to Marlene, "Whatever you want, my dear..."

Whether or not Marlene heard that is unknown, "Great! Come on!" She ran all the way to the penguin's habitat.

The king waved over his 'servants', "You 'eard the lady! Come on!" Mort ran after the king, hoping that pleasing him would bring him closer to 'da feet'. Maurice sighed but, knowing he couldn't get another job in this recession, followed the other mammals through the underground entrance to the penguin's HQ.

Entering the penguin's HQ lead to a horrific sight. The table now had a cloth that was pink... and frilly! Everything in the penguin HQ had been girlified somehow. Pink bedspread and scented candles... what was going on here? Rico was dusting happily, Skipper was sweeping the floor and -to the great shock of the mammals- whistling happily! Kowalski, meanwhile, was lying in the lap of Robin, whom looked up calmly amidst the penguin catastrophe.

"Why hello, Marlene!" She greeted, unaware of the three lemurs behind the otter, "Hold on just a second. Skipper!" The penguin, who for some reason was smiling obnoxiously, walked over to the unoriginal character, reduced to a mindless puppet. Not that he had much of a mind before that anyways... (Skipper: HEY!)

"Yes, Ms. Robin?" Skipper asked, his voice full of emotion yet empty at the same time. Robin pointed over to Marlene.

"There," She told him, "is your soul-mate."

Skipper's eyes seemed to light up. Without pausing for a second, he took Marlene's paw in his own and kissed it. Marlene stared at him like he's nuts. Maurice was working overtime behind her to prevent Julian from having a meltdown. Marlene stared at her ferociously, "You, young lady, are SICK. He's not even a mammal!"

"Yes!" Julian jumped out from behind Marlene, "What is WRONG with you?"

Robin stared. Then she stared twitching dangerously, "L-L-L-L-LEMUR!" She pointed dramatically at the mammals, "PENGUINS! ASSEMBLE AND CATCH THOSE LEMURS!" Rico and Kowalski suddenly jumped up into their kung fu pose. Rico regurgitated a net launcher. Really? I would've expected dynamite from him, considering he doesn't think of much else. (Rico: 'EY!) Luckily, Marlene managed to knock Skipper out with a quick blow to the head before her command could take effect. She and the lemurs then began running for their lives, Skipper being dragged behind them by Marlene.

"Do you really need to be carrying him?" Julian asked, still teeming with 'non-jealousy'.

Marlene glanced over, not really in any mood to argue, "Because if I DIDN'T, then we'd have the strongest penguin against us and really, do you want that?"

"Er, no, not really," Julian conceded. They kept running until Mort and Maurice tripped over a tripline that had activated shortly after Marlene and Julian bolted over it. Kowalski and Rico grasped the two lemurs. Julian and Marlene both turned around.

"Go!" Mort yelled, "The feet must be saved!"

Ignoring that comment, Maurice shouted, "Forget about us! Save yourselves!" Which they were going to do anyways, seeing as nobody really cares about Maurice. (Maurice: Sad, but true... and HEY!)

Though regretful, the other mammals ran swiftly, with Skipper being dragged unconscious behind them, getting scraped and bruised along the way. With no real reason to catch up to them, the remainder of the hypnotized penguins took the remainder of the lemurs into custody. Even Mort, despite the fact that he's not a lemur, but a demented demon. (Mort: DA FEET! Everyone Else:...)

* * *

Sometime later, be it hours, weeks, months... actually, it was only a few minutes. But they were somewhere else! That's the important thing here! In fact, at exactly five minutes AFTER noon, Skipper awoke and saw Marlene and Julian debating something. He couldn't tell what they were talking about, but made out some words: He heard 'Skipper', 'Penguins', 'Hostile take-over' and 'love'.

And then it dawned on him. He loved Marlene, didn't he? Yes, she was his soul mate!

Immediately, the penguin leader stood up and rushed to his ladies side, "Marlene, my dear! What's going on here?"

"Yup, he still loves me," Marlene stared at him, annoyed. Skipper shook his head, stating that he's always loved her and always will, despite how OOC it is. At this point, Julian was becoming annoyed at all the out-of-characterness, decided to blame Mort for no particular reason and walked up to Skipper and shook his shoulders.

"Listen to me, you small-brained birdy!" Julian roared, "You do NOT love Marlene! It's all been planted in your 'ead by DEM!"

Skipper gasped in shock, "But I've always-"

"No! It's a lie! All of it, lies!" Julian continued shaking the delusional penguin, "Listen to me! Dat girl had been taking your life and reconstructing it! She's turned Kowalski, cold scientist, into her personal love-monkey! She's turned Rico into her obedient slave! She- wait, what did she do to Private?" Marlene shrugged, stating that she hadn't seen him since yesterday, "Well, whatever. But worst of all," Ringtail leaned in, whispering into Skipper's earhole, "She's turned your HQ into her girly hideaway!"

Blue eyes widened in shock as an extremely loud, "NOOO!" echoed through the park. And the universe stopped. Visions flashed before Skipper. Visions of his team. Of his friends. Of the lemurs. Of his beautiful HQ. I won't go into detail; you'll simply get bored. Just know he had a near-death experience-like montage. When he came back to the real world, Marlene and Julian were standing over him.

Marlene gasped, drawing slightly closer to get a good look, "Skipper?"

"Ugh," He looked up, "Marlene? Ringtail? What's going on? Where's my team?" He gasped, "I should've known! You were both working for Blowhole this entire time! What have you done with my team, you savages?"

Instead of the usual rebuttal, which Skipper had expected, the two mammals let out a sigh of relief. Marlene then grinned, hugging Julian tightly, "You did it! You really did it!" Julian smiled and hugged Marlene back.

Skipper rolled his eyes, uncaring as to the display before him, and stated, "You two can flirt later," Marlene quickly pulled herself away from Julian at this point, "In the meanwhile, could you explain what happened and where my team is?"

So they told him everything, from Robin's arrival to her mysterious mind-controlling of the penguins to Private's mysterious disappearance. Skipper took a deep breath, eyed both recruits over, and sighed.

"So you two are all I have to work with? This is gonna be tough," He ignored the sour look he received from both mammals, "but I have to save my team from that evil- that evil-"

"Mary-Sue?" Julian suggested. Skipper and Marlene stared at him, "What? Can I not be hip with the fanfiction lingo?"

Marlene shook her head, "Moron! You can't just break the fourth wall like that!"

"Eh, sorry," Julian shrugged, not really sorry at all. The three last non-brainwashed characters -well, minus Fred, but he really doesn't count- began conducting a well-organized and thoughtful plan to enter the zoo and take down the brainwashing Mary-Sue.

* * *

Five hours later, all three were hanging upside down in the penguin's HQ. Skipper, looking annoyed, turned to Julian, "This is all your fault! If you hadn't activated that net-trap-"

"Well," Julian rebuttaled, "You could have taken out those security mechs faster! If it weren't for them-"

"At least I didn't trip the alarm!" Skipper snapped.

"At least I'm not a complete and total moron!" Julian unwisely commented.

Skipper growled, "Oh that is IT!" He swung towards Julian and the two began a rather un-manish slap fight. Marlene would have -and probably should have- interfered, but she was too busy being entertained by the comical sight of a penguin and a lemur slapping each other silly. Robin, followed by Kowalski, whom had hearts in his eyes and was floating on air (no, really, he was floating on air...) and Rico, whom was carrying a flamethrower. Upon seeing the slap fight -or maybe it was just Julian- she exploded.

"ENOUGH!" Robin roared, "You all are pathetic! You especially Skipper! You've failed your duty to make Marlene your girlfriend and transform the zoo into a family home. And you," She pointed at Julian, "You just disgust me."

"I am taking offense!" The King roared back.

Skipper ignored those comments, feeling compelled to ask about the ones who weren't present, "Where's Private? And what did you do with the lemurs?"

"The boy? He found out about my plans all on his own. This made him an obstacle, as knowing my plans made him immune to my mind-control abilities, so I took care of him," She noticed the gaping expressions of the two mammals and fellow penguin, "I didn't kill him, if that's what you're thinking. Or at least, I don't think he's dead. Is being locked in a box and buried six feet under capable of killing someone?" She smirked. Marlene gaped at her, angry. Julian mindlessly whispered terrible things in the Madagascar home language. Skipper, at first, seemed confused. Then shocked. Then angry. Then sad. Then a mixture of all four. Then, finally, he settled on angry.

"You monster! And to think, I let you into my home, you- you- you Mary-Sue!" Kowalski and Rico gasped. Robin shrugged it off.

"As for your lemur servants, well... don't worry. They're long past suffering," Robin's evil smirk failed to phase Kowalski, who caressed her cheek sweetly. Rico failed to throw up, but did look nauseous.

A plan formed within the Skipper's head. He turned to Julian, and pushed him one more time... into Marlene. The two blushed but, fearing bouncing around, decided not to let go of each other. Rico's stomach could be heard from Skipper's position. Swinging carefully, with precision timing and, most likely, pure luck, he managed to push the two even closer, forcing their lips into collision. Both blushed. The pure sweetness of the sight made Rico vomit.

And then he looked up, "Gwah?"

"Rico! Get us down, now!" Skipper barked. Robin laughed, about to retort, when the penguin did an epic flip, regurgitating a knife and slicing all ropes at just the right moment. Skipper, Marlene and Julian fell to the ground, all in combat stance, despite the fact that neither Marlene nor Julian were trained in the art of combat. And thus, an epic battle commenced.

Now, picture this in your mind: Rico, Marlene, Julian and Skipper standing in perfect combat pose as the screen turned from full-view to widescreen, with black bars on the upper and lower parts of the screen. The cut in then changes from the four of them to Robin and Kowalski, both changing to combat form. Kowalski runs forth at his master's command, laying siege on Skipper with advanced combat punches and kicks. Skipper responded with blocks and some attacks of his own. Meanwhile, the Mary-Sue grabbed a crowbar and attempted to hit Marlene with it. The otter was saved by none other than Julian, who started an epic crowbar duel with Robin. The two cut and parried and dodged and all that other good stuff. Kowalski, meanwhile, began using explosives to try and blow his true leader up. Rico responded with a tennis racket, knocking them back at him. One flew across the room and hit Robin square in the stomach. She crashed through Private's first prize, screaming in slow-motion. The screen goes back to normal.

Okay... now that's done. Let's move on.

Kowalski gasped, running across the room and embracing his girlfriend close, "Robin! Oh, Robin..." He sniffled, as she lifted her flipper and slowly, ever so gently, caressed his cheek.

"My love, do not weep for me. You're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for," As she stroked his feathers, she became mindfully aware of the others. Not because she could see them, she couldn't, but she's a Mary-Sue. Like you need any other explanation, "I- I genuinely wanted to change this world for the better. My plan was to create the ideal world. Then we could all live in peace. No lemurs. No Blowhole. No fighting. We could have raised a family, here. With Skipper and Marlene also raising their children alongside ours, and they'd get married someday," Que Marlene and Skipper barfing. Rico regurgitated a random gun, "I-I want to tell you, I... love... you..." She laid limp in his hands. Before Kowalski could mourn, though, she woke up and continued her monologue, "Could we have been a perfect family? In a perfect world? Now there is no way of knowing. With myself gone, the penguins will have to accept another Mary-Sue to save them. Most see us as the destroyers, but we-" She was cut off (finally) by Skipper shooting Rico's gun at her head.

He shrugged, "That was getting long. Didn't want this to end up like that death scene in Eternal Sonata. Holy shiitake mushrooms, that was painful!"

Kowalski started weeping openly over the dead body of Robin, "No! Why her? She's so perfect, she didn't do anything wrong! She-" Luckily, the audience was saved from another rant by Skipper slapping Kowalski, breaking Robin's mind control. He saw the body and became determined to know the origin of Mary-Sue powers with disgusting and horrific experiments.

Later, after determining that Robin wouldn't come back (Thank goodness!), the group dug up Private and found he had been kidnapped by mutant troll-rats, alongside Mort and Maurice. So they went on another rescue adventure. But that, my fellow authors-in-training, is another story. And thus, I bid you all goodnight.

The End.

* * *

The authoress stared proudly at her work. Before she could save it, though, she suddenly became aware of small figures watching her. She spun around.

Skipper glared at her, "So, I don't have much of a mind, do I?"

"I AM NOT BIPOLAR!" Marlene screamed. Then she started crying, "I'm not! I'm really not!" **(A/N: No offense to bipolar people)**

"Dat's nice, dear," Julian commented off-handedly, "At any rate, I want you to be apologizing for calling me dumb!"

"YOU PUT THE FEET IN DANGER!" Mort shouted, "YOU MUST DIE!"

"It's sad that nobody cares about me, but you don't have to comment on it like that!" Maurice was definitely annoyed.

"My accent is real!" Private snapped.

"My charts maybe boring, but they're crucial to the survival of Earth!" Kowalski yelled.

Rico glared, pulling out a flamethrower. All of them closed in on the author as she hastily typed up a summary of what's happening and aergi;;;k;jfq3wjfraijig[qhjnrmpaghq[0[hrjqgo[;lmwujlfds[u90oj;lsfewd9u0rsa;okl

'Ello. This is Private. Eternally Ebony is now officially off-line. Don't worry. We'll bring her back... eventually.

* * *

**And thus, once again, the day is saved by... THE POWERPUFF PENGUINS!**

**Seriously, I love parodies. The only thing I didn't like in this was my lack of focus. It keeps going from funny to serious.**

**REFERENCE: I do not own Eternal Sonata (Trusty Bell: Chopin's Dream). If you ever play that game, just skip past Claves' death scene. It's long. Just her rambling. And then she dies. And then... she rambles some more! And THEN she finally dies for real!**

**And just so you know, they let me go when I threatened to use my authoress powers to make Robin come back to life. Afterwards, I bought them all Ice Cream and we stopped Blowhole from melting the Statue of Liberty. But that's another story for another time.**


End file.
